What programme?

What programme do you use for ..(insert your topic or subject or curriculum area here)?

 We don't.

 And do you know why?

 It seems so easy to pick a book or a curriculum that allegedly solve the "troubles" of how to teach x.

 But it's not.

 There is no easy way, no perfect book.

 Nothing can replace the attention of a parent or adult, responding to a child and his interests, sharing the world and their life and interests, using books and movies and activities and experiences and most of all discussion to teach.

 No curriculum can replace these kind of learning opportunities.

 So use the curriculum if we wish, but use it as an adjunct to real life and real learning, to everything else we do, directed or undirected and natural.

 In my experience, what programme works is the programme of family and life and resources around us.

With lots and lots of time.

 And lots and lots of talking.

If I could tell a new homeschool mum one thing...

If I could tell a new homeschool mum one thing, it would be... to give it ( whatever it is) Time.

Time. The biggest secret in homeschooling/unschooling.

Time for a child to mature, so that the boy who hates writing at age six
("why do I have to do this") is just given time to mature, no pressure to write, just sharing books together until one day he finds his voice and writes and blogs.

Time for the shared experiences to be shared, to shape the child, to allow him to explore, think, play, be a child...so that he chooses, as a teen, to study ancient languages at a university winter school and needs no nagging about homework. He has had time to find out what he likes and how he learns.

Time to spend with family and friends, exploring persona (today it's Batman, tomorrow it is a Roman soldier), learning how to interact with others, to control temper, to think of others, to learn about self.

Time to read and read together without school schedules and have-tos.

Time for that stubborn toddler to grow into a self disciplined, determined young man. Time for that  very sensitive child to grow into a young man who thinks deeply and spiritually.

Time to cook, to do crafts, to play games, to climb trees, to visit and re-visit museums and libraries, to learn.

And time for mum to realise that things that seem major and  crisis making and overwhelming now will pass.

Time has been my homeschooling secret. Regardless of circumstances and living situations, I have learned to give myself and my kids time.

Living Books

Educator Charlotte Mason talked about living books - books that are written by a single author, with passion, books that make the topic come alive for the reader.

By living books, however, I mean living, everyday, in and out, as we breathe and talk and be, really living books. The books are so much a part of your life, they are who you are, they are who we are as people and as a family.

As we re-read Where the Wild Things Are, and I share the story with a new generation at work, everyone gnashing their terrible teeth and roaring their terrible roars, on the death of Maurice Sendak, then we share not only text but memory. Not only memory but rhythm and prose and poetry. Style. Which we take into our conversation, our writing, our reading, even,  of more advanced texts.

As we climb trees today and look for Sam Gribbley trees, honouring the late Jean Craighead George and her imagination inspiring book The Other Side of the Mountain, we experience the weave and the woof of our lives as family, of reading together in childhood, of spontaneously exploring our world when connecting with the story. We remember the important element of story, in our lives and in our work.

As we look for the novel The Daughter of Time by Josephine Tey today, and discuss its relevance to a talk last night by Professor Finnis on Shakespeare, Religion and Identity, we recall investigative method, connections, that feeling  how-one-thing-leads-to-another, our knowledge of English history and Shakespeare. For, after all, it is connections that make learning. We connect, we think, we remember.

This is what is needed in education. Living books. A life intertwined with books and stories and texts and images and experiences.

One is never the same after having read, shared, experienced, followed up, a good book.

After a week of national Naplan tasting, a focus with parents at work and in the news on results and on tests, I look at our circle of readers. Young men who read, who live books, who are interested in learning, who do not fit the oft cited stereotype that boys do not like reading.

I realise that a life of books, of day to day happenings related to books, of living and breathing and cooking and climbing trees with books, has made their education. Not tests and bits of paper. But books shared and lived.

This is the legacy of life without school. Living books, living education, living memories.

Have you started school yet?

Have you started school yet ?

I get asked this question at church, by people at work, by other homeschoolers.

I may be a bit grumpy ( WHO, ME??), but, in all honesty, if I hear that question again, instead of answering with a smile and my stock answer, I will just scream.

Or eat peanut M &Ms.

My stock answer, you say?

We don't ever start or stop school, we learn all the time, we read, we do Maths, we write, we study...or we don't..

"Youth is the time to go flashing from one end of the world to the other in both mind and body; to try the manners of different nations; to hear the chimes at midnight; to see sunrise in town and country; to be converted at a revival; to circumnavigate the metaphysics, write halting verses, run a mile to see a fire, and wait all day in the theatre to applaud 'Hernani'." -Robert Louis Stevenson

That describes our homeschooling.

Whch translates today as mum walking in the door from early morning work, one son helping her to prune flowers on her way in, one working on his computer for music stuff, one playing the piano, two conpleting the retro arcade game Golden Axe ( I thought it was Golden Max!), a son now studying Spanish, everyone stopping to say a prayer for a soul, mum suggesting a trip to the shops for errands and fun and talking about Blessed Fra Angelica and someone finding the Faith and Life book with reprints of his paintings, while listening to Gorecki...and music lessons, work, youth group later.

That flashing around, in mind and body. And in discussion.

No screaming. No peanut M&Ms.

Yet.

Walk where you walk

Friday morning at work, work with children, I sat at a table drawing freehand maps of countries participating in the World Cup for the children to colour. I chatted to the children as we worked . And I remembered years of homeschooling. Sitting with my kids and drawing and telling stories and often teaching, incidentally, about life.

Nearly every story has a moral. Nearly every moment can be a teachable moment, a term coined by educator John Holt on the 1960s.

Friday morning was no exception. While drawing, while looking through the Childcraft Atlas with the children at work, while the children coloured, we talked about lessons from life.

I had occasion to intervene in not-so-nice play. A group of girls near to the drawing table were organising a dance ... And being incredibly bitchy, excluding another girl. (They start this Mean Girls behaviour so young!).

I warned the group that exclusion was a form of bullying. Having recently done an anti bullying unit with the whole group of children at work. I issued a warning, in my best firm but friendly teacher voice , that all people had a right to be included in the dance group or the group could be disbanded . I gave the girls five minutes to sort this out... And , as the clock ticked on, it became obvious that the choice was made . To continue to exclude and thus to disband the group.

So the girls drifted off to other activities and one little girl, a seven year old who had been excluded, sat at the drawing table. Another child passed her the map of Africa that I had drawn. So she could colour and hopefully take her mind off her exclusion

This little dark haired girl sat there colouring, head down, tears streaming down her face. Other children started to notice. And I started to talk, to tell my story , to teach life.

"D" I said " Dont let them win. Don't let those girls see you cry, see that they hurt you. That's what they wanted to do. You can't let them win. You hold your head up high, you wipe away your tears, you colour in, you look them in the eye. You are special. You are better than that. They can't hurt you unless you let them."

Other children coloured and others slowly put down their felt pens . They all listened . As I shared.

I talked about how I have, just this week, been the recipient of mean behaviour. How others could be mean but I wouldn't let them get to me. How I am keeping on, pulling up my socks, smiling, never letting them see my hurt. Never letting them win.

Another little girl, another little boy, chimed in with stories of how other kids had tried to be mean to them but how they had looked the bullies in the eye and not let the bullies hurt them inside.

There were little nods and murmurs at the table.

And D took the tissue I offered. She wiped her eyes. She looked up at me, grabbed a

yellow felt pen with a brave smile, a thank you smile, and coloured. Head held high.

You know, while at the doctor's surgery later on Friday, I read the section The Gift of the Self-Dedication of Christ, in the Holy Father's book Heart of the Christian Life. I thought about D. I thought about the mean way others, particularly one other, have treated me this week. I did some soul searching..what do I do to receive this behaviour. Am I mean in return? Am I too much of a bitch, really, deep down? Am I a victim, a doormat? When is nice too nice?

And, I remembered that we are never alone in this journey. As cliched as that may sound. I remembered that others can walk with us when we feel pain. Others can help. As I hope I helped D.

I was reminded that Jesus Christ is there, with us. I thought of receiving Him in the Eucharist and then of conversion, conversion of our hearts each time we come to receive Communion.

At the end of the Eucharistic celebration, we will...carry the Lord Jesus in spirit..We will immerse Him, so to speak, in the daily routine of our lives, so that he may walk where we walk and live where we live. ( Heart of the Christian Life).

Jesus with us, walking where we walk. Especially in times of sadness or sorrow or bewilderment ( you know, that how the #%#% did I get here feeling).

Then, today, I watched Toy Story 3, with my kids and some of my Kumon students, students receiving awards for being above grade level. I watched Toy Story 3 crying, crying, at

the passages one must go through, the transitions, the changes. Saying goodbye to friends, to family.How life changes even when you don't want it to.

Two sons cried with me.

And I thought, how lucky am I, that I have spent years with children, still spend years with children, my own and those children with whom I work. Lucky to see life through children's eyes, to be close to emotions, to share life, to talk life. To learn and to teach. To serve, for to be a parent, to be a teacher, both vocations, means also to serve.

In my sadness, over mean behaviour, I can also be strong. Be tough. Smile. Be happy for what it is that I have. Be happy to serve, even if it means that in serving I hurt.

Lastly, two other aspects are part of service. No one is closer to his master than the servant who has access to the most private dimensions of his life. In this sense, "to serve" means closeness, it requires familiarity.....To serve means to draw near, but above all it also means obedience.The servant is under the word:"not my will, but thine, be done."...What Jesus predicted to Peter also always applies:"You will be taken where you do not want to go." This letting oneself be guided where one does not want to be led is an essential dimension of our service, and it is exactly what makes us free. In this being guided, which can be contrary to our ideas and plans, we experience something new - the wealth of God's love. (Heart of the Christian Life: To Stand Before You and to Serve)

I hope I helped D. As D, and my children, and other children, have helped me. As I experience that wealth of which the Pope speaks. God's love.

Just sharing

Just sharing this blog post..for women...for mothers..especially homeschooling mothers.

Read the whole, excellent post here ~ Logismoi

Why is it that women in general and mothers in particular seem so prone to battling negative thoughts?
It is a spiritual battle, you know?
The Fathers share their experiential wisdom in the struggle against the thoughts (logismoi). The types of thoughts are legion, but it seems to me that mothers battle negative thoughts more than any other types.
Perhaps it is the demon of comparison Her children are better behaved than mine. Her house is cleaner than mine. She gets more done than I do. Or maybe it is the evil spirit of inadequacy. I am not a good mother. What I do is not good enough. I'll never be able to catch up.
Quite possibly it is a combination of the two.
Or maybe it's hormones.
Fatigue?
Could it be that the nature of an eternal work is fertile ground for the evil one to sow seeds of negativity? Mothers are entrusted with the bodies and souls of God's children, both aspects of the person, created to live eternally. (As well as the seemingly eternal mounds of laundry that these precious persons produce.) It is a good, but no small work. As St. Paul wrote, when we wish to do any good work, we soon find that evil follows closely behind us.
Yet, where there is no struggle, there is no possibility for virtue.

"St James and strike for Spain"

Santiago y cierra España ("St James and strike for Spain") has been the traditional battle cry of Spanish armies.

St James the Moorslayer, one of the most valiant saints and knights the world ever had ... has been given by God to Spain for its patron and protection.—Cervantes, Don Quixote

And what have we done on this day, the feast of St James?

Well, Anthony has had a friend over for the night. They have played games, while I was at Adoration this morning. Then, I rushed everyone out the door, to go to St Benedict's, Broadway for a Sung Latin Mass and veneration of a relic of St James.

For as we advance in the religious life and in faith, our hearts expand and we run the way of God's commandments with unspeakable sweetness of love. Rule of St Benedict

We called into the Powerhouse Museum to explore exhibits (the kids) and to sit in the Members Lounge (me) , drink coffee, finish off prayers, text, contemplate my vocation as a mother and wife ( I have some tweaking to do, in these roles. As always.). And read the newspaper . Felt very decadent and lazy - no workout yet!

Plan on doing yoga this afternoon. And maybe cook something Spanish in honour of St James ~ St James is the Patron Saint of Spain.

Contemplation

Contemplation. Thinking. Thoughtful observation. Full or deep consideration.

To what am I giving my full or deep consideration?

How I mother.

Something happened yesterday that made me cross. Made me seethe. Made me feel like crying.

It is okay. I got over it. I prayed. I also went to Confession over my not-very-nice-attitude.

And I wonder. Does my mothering by example work? I have been a strong believer in the maxim that if I do what is right, others will follow. That if I love what the kids love, spend time with them, treat them with respect, then they will come to love what I love ( or at least understand why I do the things I do..)....To paraphrase St John Bosco.

Or is example not enough?

The trouble is, of course, that I am not always a good example. I rarely lose my cool but when I do, boy, I am not very pleasant. And the kids can always remember my times of losing-my-cool and can re-tell them. As can I.

Yesterday, I didn't say a word. Woo hoo! Am so pleased with myself! I took dh out for lunch to make up for my bad thoughts and to make myself happy - I like snatching some time alone with dh! I did housework and worked off tension. Everyone seemed happy and oblivious to my thoughts. Good.

So, perhaps the issue is not that being a good example to my kids is not enough but that I need to work on always consistently being a good example and on accepting our differences.

Hey, I have to remember that I am the only female in a house of males and the males just seem to see things differently than I!

Enthusiasm. Fleetwood Mac. St John Bosco

When times go bad
When times go rough
Wont you lay me down in tall grass
And let me do my stuff Second Hand News - Fleerwood Mac - Rumours

The Rumours album is arguably Fleetwood Mac's best album, written when they were on the verge of splitting up...Yet, for me, the album has happy songs. Lke the one above, I love the boppy music. And love the lyrics.

I dont want to know the reasons why
Love keeps right on walking down the line
I dont want to stand between you and love
Honey, I just want you to feel fine I Don'tWant To Know - Ibid.

Hey, these were my theme songs. When younger, of course...We played the album in the car today, on the way to homeschool ice skating. And memories came flooding back.

If you wake up and dont want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.
Dont stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Dont stop, itll soon be here,
Itll be, better than before,
Yesterdays gone, yesterdays gone Don't Stop

Theme songs? Yeah..I was a pretty wild young thing. Full of enthusiam for life. But not very prudent.

I remember when my then boyfriend, now husband, asked me to marry him. I said Yes - but why? Because I thought it sounded like fun to be married. A new experience. Something fun and different.

At least I was enthusiastic. And this year we will have been married thirty years ( Oh. My. Gosh..).

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you wanna do
If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everythings waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way Go Your Own Way

Loved the lines packing up..shacking up...everything's waiting for you..

I still feel that everything's there, waiting. Fun. Laughter. New things to see. New places to go. New people to meet. New things to try.

Like today. It sounds boring as I write it down but I found it fun. After ice skating,I visited Campbell's Cash n Carry to buy things for our parish morning teas, suppers, et al. Woo hoo! It was fun. Exciting even. Pushing around this large pallet on wheels, looking at the arena of goods in the warehouse. Like stepping into another world.

Texted my husband and said I felt very proper, very economical, very frugal, very organised. Like I was playing at being a good housewife. Move over Kate Winslett in Revolutionary Road.

I think he thinks I'm strange.

But enthusiasm for life is important for me. Especially today as I contemplate the feast day of St John Bosco - January 31.

Those who know me know that that St John Bosco is one of my mothering mentors. I have always been impressed with the warmth he had for the boys in his care, for their interests, for playing kids' games, being immersed in their world, so that he loved what they loved ~ and they came to love what he loved ~ namely, Christ. The Church. The Faith. The Sacraments.

Everything and everyone is is won by the sweetness of our words and works

You can do nothing with children unless you win their confidence and love by bringing them into touch with oneself, by breaking through all the hindrances that keep them at a distance. We must accommodate ourselves to their tastes, we must make ourselves like them. St John Bosco

Okay, I admit it is a far stretch of the imagination from Fleetwod Mac and their less-than-holy lyrics to St John Bosco, for whom purity was important.

Yet, I see a connection. In my past. The connection is happiness. And enthusiasm.

I associate both these attributes with my experiences of the songs above and with my experiences with the writings of St John Bosco.

enthusiasm
keen interest, excitement
Synonyms:
activity, ardency, ardor, , conviction, craze, dash, devotion, eagerness, earnestness, ecstasy, élan, emotion, energy, exhilaration, , feeling, fervor,, fieriness, fire, flame, , gaiety, hilarity, hobby, intensity, interest, joy, joyfulness, keenness, life, mirth, nerve, oomph*, passion, pep, rapture, relish, snap, spirit, , verve, vim, vivacity, warmth, zeal, zest

Bring these to your life and to your parenting, to your marriage, to your work with children. Add faith and prayer. A recipe for unschooling.

Run

A book I am reading by Ann Patchett.

Patchett's writing has shades and echoes of Rumer Godden and of Elizabeth Goudge ~ the weaving of Catholicism, of faith, into a story; the ability to help one climb inside the head of the characters, to stay there, to relate; the hook that , both painlessly and painfully at the same time, draws you in and makes you look at your own life in the light of the story, with fresh insights and possibly more self knowledge.

A living book. A book that forces you to your knees in prayer - yes, a fiction book that reaches one's soul.

Like Godden and Goudge, Patchett writes of families and people and of relationships .

Maybe I am more sensitive to these things right now . I find I want to curl up with Patchett's book yet am also a wee bit frightened by, no not frightened but perhaps wary of, the doors the writing opens in my mind. Thoughts of family and of people.

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy. ~Edward P. Morgan

A good book should leave you... slightly exhausted at the end. You live several lives while reading it. ~ William Styron, interview, Writers at Work, 1958

I am slightly exhausted when reading Run. Exhausted as in tired, yes, from slack of sleep, but exhausted more from being forced to examine my roles and my soul ~ oh, gosh, am I really like that?

Homeschooling mothers spend our time with our children but do we really spend this time? Or is this time frittered away?

And what about time for husbands and for friends - do we have time to move beyond the superficial? Do we want to?

A character in Run, Sullivan, talks of why he left Boston ~

I left because my father gave up on me as soon as there were those other boys, your sons, because they took his attention and his love without any effort at all.

At first thought, I felt sympathy for Sullivan as I tried to plan , to control in my mind how a parent could find time for all his children, acknowledging and accepting their differences. But then I thought of my own family and I felt sympathy for, no, not sympathy for but empathy with, the character of Doyle, Sullivan's father.

Parenting and marriage are not easy, yet they are full of joy and also of work; and we walk this line precariously,this line between being a good parent, trying not to enjoy one child more than another, between being an attentive spouse and a good mother yet still being ourselves.

A book must be an ice-axe to break the seas frozen inside our soul. ~ Franz Kafka

As a good homeschooling mother, as a Catholic wife, woman and mother, I read and absorb and make little mental notes on my behaviour. For, if family is not my main role,my main job, what else could be?

Toxic Mothers

We have been talking about Donna and Dr Who in the comments of the linked post.

Donna's mother is definitely what I would call a Toxic Mother.

Toxic ~ acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous

I definitely had/have a Toxic mother. I love her, I can't tell her that, she doesn't talk to me. But in loving and praying for my mum, I casn still see her toxicity. Mommy Dearest ?

Think Donna's mother magnified many times over.

And sometimes I think I'm repeating that toxicity.Okay, not to similar high toxic degrees, but toxic nevertheless.

Many times, I think the family is okay and I've done an okay job. But then things happen and I see how f-ed up we really are.

No Carol and Mike Brady here.

At a women's group tonight, I mentioned that we women sometimes just have to do what is right and not feel responsible for eveyone else's happiness.

And yet, I do feel responsible.

And when things happen, less than stellar things, I take it personally.

I know my family carries the weight of my personal baggage ( how I hate that trendy yet so descriptive term!), from me having a Toxic Mother. Just when I think I have got away from it all, the poison reaches out and reminds me that my past is still a part of me. And try as I might to the contraire, I have passed some dysfunctional family crap onto my kids.

Okay, enough with this vague posting. I can't share the toxicity here but I remind myself of the powerful influences of mothers.

Get your act together, girl!

Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials. ~Meryl Streep

Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What's that suppose to mean? In my heart it don't mean a thing. ~Toni Morrison, Beloved

The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

Good things about kids

I don't know about you, but lately I've heard some negativity around towards kids. Towards having children and being a parent. From parents about their own kids and own vocations.

I admit to being a bit guilty of this myself. Seeing my kids do some annoying thing or my young adults do some dumb thing , I blow off about it to another. Not good.

In the spirit of promoting a kid friendly culture, I'd like to share some positives about kids.

Promoting a kid friendly culture? Isn't our culture kid friendly?

Well, yes and no. Kids are often tolerated .

They are taken out, brushed off, shown off and tucked away. A bit like little Christopher Robbins robots , taken to kid events and then put away.

From the article linked above ~

A look at how parents are portrayed in the media gives us more clues about current societal attitudes. In sitcoms, parents are typically presented as buffoons, bumbling and fumbling their way through life. "In the late '90s, the mass media bombards us with negative stereotypes of moms and dads. It seems that every time we turn on TV, watch a movie, or read a magazine, we are confronted with yet another dismissive put-down of the parental role and function," say Sylvia Ann Hewlett and Cornell West in their recent book The War Against Parents.

But why do such negative feelings about parenting come out in public situations?
One answer may be that many of today's parents are unwilling to compromise their freedom and are, therefore, taking their children out more often and to more kinds of places. Moreover, people in general tend to spend more time in restaurants and other public spaces.

These recent trends create conflict. After arguing over a seat for my toddler with someone at a very noisy antique auction in upstate New York, an nearby older woman turned to me and said with vehemence, "I never took my children to auctions!"

Also children are very honest. Their emotions and frustrations are right there for all to see, which can be intimidating to adults, especially those who would prefer not to be in touch with their own, often difficult emotions. "Kids have a way of putting us in touch with our own vulnerabilities," says Dr. Cancelmo .

They certainly do! I speak from experience, of having to confront my ideas and emotions and notions and beliefs upon dealing with and living with and enjoying children.

Why is it important to create a kid friendly society?

Kid friendly societies are family friendly societies.

And kids learn who-they-are by how-they-are-treated. Treat kids with respect and interest and they are more likely to exhibit this respect and interest themselves. They are more likely to grow up to become respectful adults..

It is necessary to go back to seeing the family as the sanctuary of life. The family is indeed sacred: it is the place in which life -- the gift of God -- can be properly welcomed and protected against the many attacks to which it is exposed and can develop in accordance with what constitutes authentic human growth. In the face of the so-called culture of death, the family is the heart of the culture of life.
Pope John Paul II, The Hundredth Year, (Centesimus Annus), 1991 [#39]

Back to sharing the positives of kids ~ here is my emerging, evolving, off the cuff list. I'll probably add to it later. And would like to see your litany of good things about kids, too.

Good Things About Kids

- kids keep me honest and humble – they make me keep things above board and ensure I don’t try to escape from unpleasantness

- kids make me smile – the things they say, the things they do

- getting involved in the lives and interests of my kids expands my own horizons and learning

- kids help me grow; they , inadvertently or not, push my buttons and make me question myself

- kids bring me closer to God, especially through the sacrament of Confession. I confess my failings, my impatience with my kids. How selfish would I be if I didn’t have my kids around?? And the kids keep me on my knees, keep me praying. They keep me at extra Masses, with special intentions...

- kids are fun – I say this while watching Anthony’s phone video of their plane flying adventures this afternoon

- kids give me some one extra to talk to – I am a social person and I love talking. We had a good discussion today on selfishness and on choices, me and some of the kids, based on a Battlestar Galactica episode. Hey, I'[m never lonely ( I'm never alone!).

- kids keep me current – yeah, I’m into some of the bands and clothes because of my kids

Home Truths and Mothering

Talking to someone today, I was hit with a home truth.

No, not hit. More like whacked across the head, out of the blue.

I was asking for help with discernment re the extra Kumon work issue.

Out of (seemingly) nowhere came the comment. The home truth.

I said that I was lucky simply because I homeschool and spend a lot of time with my kids, they come to work with me, are involved in my work.

The comment?

"Quantity time doesn't necessarily mean quality time."

My reply?

"Ouch, that hurts."

It does. It hurts. And maybe it hurts because there is veracity in that statement. I spend a lot of time with the kids and, to a certain extent, with dh, but am I fully engaged? Is it quality time? Will there be quality time if I take on more work?

I looked for a definition of quality time online, at Dictionary.com

Found ~
quality time
–noun
time devoted exclusively to nurturing a cherished person or activity.
[Origin: 1985–90]

And ~
quality time n. Time during which one focuses on or dedicates oneself to a person or activity: "When you decide to turn on the TV, you decide ... not to spend quality time with your family" (Steve Tschirhart).


I'm not sure if I ever really give this sort of quality time to my family. ( Insert sad face). I am a queen of multi-tasking, I tend to nearly always do two or more things at a time.

So, I need to think about this . ( Insert an expletive, insert "Far Out!" ).

Writer Sonia Taitz says, of mothering that What children take from us, they give…We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply.

Very true.

Struggles With Attitudes

My Thankful Thursday post, and Genevieve's thoughtful responses, have highlighted something for me.

My struggles with attitude.

No, don't worry, this won't be a post full of angst. This is not a bleeding-heart-blog. But it is a blog for pondering and sharing and some of us ( Genevieve and me ) seem to ponder best when we write. Or blog.

Thursday was my birthday. Birthdays are always bitter sweet for me. Where does the time go?

Dh and I stayed up very late, spending time together, talking together. We talked of a number of things, of this, of that, of some every day things, of important things.

And dh pointed out that I have become abrupt in my responses to our children.

Ouch and double ouch.

The super thing about being married for a long time is that we can share, honestly.Most of the time.

We can hold each other accountable for words and deeds.

Thus, dh's words made me both wince and wonder.

I see that I am often abrupt. Partly because of my sarcastic, somewhat wicked sense of humour. Mothers aren't supposed to use this humour on their kids, right?

But my biggest problem is probably busyness.

I get busy. I like being busy . ( What am I running away from, that I have to keep my life so busy? Or is it personality? Is busyness a problem or is it really attitude? One of my Lenten reads, Finding Sanctuary, made me feel uncomfortable when encountering my busyness and the contrast of the monastic life. ).

Regardless of the reasons for this busy life, I do know that, in my busyness, I can be abrupt. A response that could be more loving, friendly, becomes a terse shorthand answer.

In living a go-go-go lifestyle and being efficient, I forget the gentle response.

I am so not gentle.

And so, one of my attitude struggles is a struggle against abruptness and towards "yes-ness".

I prayed about this, at Mass and at Adoration yesterday. Hoping I will be given an epiphany on how to change my response.

You can do nothing with children unless you win their confidence and love by bringing them into touch with yourself, by breaking through all the hindrances that keep them at a distance. We must accommodate ourselves to their tastes, we must make ourselves like them. --------St. John Bosco


I suspect that change will come simply by doing - by my consciously making an effort to be less abrupt. It is the act of doing that makes us become what we are. Repeated acts of niceness, not abruptness; and, I imagine, repeatedy falling down and dusting myself off mentally, will mean that eventually yes will be a more automatic response than the terse alternative.

I've seen this happen in other areas of my life. I have acted as if I was what I wanted to be and over time, a change occurred. The me I wanted to be became the more natural me.

My other struggle of attitude is a body image attitude. Again. (Does this get boring? Is this a woe-is-me post? Horror. I shudder. And yet, in order to think, I write. I share. Yes, I bore...)

One would think that after losing weight, a person would be happy with their body.

Uh uh.

It seems that I look in the mirror and all I see is the back fat, the daggy arms, that horrid waist, the saggy b**bs.

I don't expect perfection, yet I find it difficult to come to grips with a slimmer self. I look in the miror and see fat. As if I am the sum total of my looks. As if weight is the all-encompassing, most important part of a person.

Both intellectually and spiritually, I know this to be false. Yet, just as I fall back on a sarcastic, abrupt answer in default when busy, so I fall back into negative body images at milestones, at certain times in my life.

Like my birthday of last week - there comes the thought of being both fat and old.

Sad. I know that who I am is more important than how I look but the negative self talk is default mode.

Perhaps body image takes awhile to adjust to weight loss. Perhaps the living as if philosophy can be applied here, too. Live with joy in my fitter body, as though I accept my body and perhaps I will - accept my normal body, normal BMI . Not model thin but normal.

And fit.

I said recently to a friend, that I find that working on and with my kids on attitudes is of more importance than working on behaviour or on Maths. I see now that this applies to myself.

No default modes. Acting and living on purpose.


If, then, you are looking for the way by which you should go, take Christ, because He Himself is the way. --------St. Thomas Aquinas

Cartoon courtesy of Gary Olsen, Cartoon College

Organisation

Or perhaps I should say - re-organisation.

This afternoon, I enlisted the family to help with some household organisation. We cleaned out the laundry - all the junk above came out of our laundry! Wow!

And see the finished laundry - lots of clear white space. Very nice.

I recently bought wire shelving units for use at my Kumon Education Centre ( work) and used one here in the laundry. Helps to keep things sorted and neat.

We also re-arranged bedrooms Again.

There is a lot of re-arranging going on in our house, as two older sons have moved to Sydney. Perhaps temporarily. We hope permanently.

An answer to prayer.

Nevertheless, adding adult sons back into the family mix calls for re-arrangement. Of physical places ( so Luke and Greg can have their own rooms - this is the two eldest sons).

And of mental and relational spaces - getting along together, giving each other room to move and breathe, to be different.

Letting go. Remembering that the way one parents and relates to an adult son is different to the way one relates to and parents a younger son.

Funnily enough. it is my dh who finds this the hardest. Maybe those male and female differences again ? Do fathers find it harder to parent less, to let go? Or am I just an unusual mother ~ letting go is not what I find hard.

What do I find hard?

Being the mediator between these relationships, helping both parent and son to see each other's point of view. ( Those males!). Can be wearying.

But worthwhile.

Like all aspects of family life.

Re-organisation of space, I find, ends up helping with re-establishing and re-orienting relationships.

I am pondering on these thoughts and words, on our family life and on my role as a parent.

Some of us went to a Latin Mass this morning, and the Gospel reading was Luke 2: 15-20. Fr. mentioned this line ~ But Mary kept all these words, pondering them in her heart.

I got to thinking - How often do we mothers ponder things, ponder about family life, keep these thoughts close to our heart?

I'll keep up my pondering, my re-organising, my re-arranging, my praying.

I need it!

In A Good Place

"A dead end street is a good place to turn around” Naomi Judd (singer)


Ever feel like you are in a good place? Or in a dead end?


I feel that we are in a good place, homeschool speaking.



And in a good place, spiritually.


I am reflecting on our two and one half years of living in Sydney.

We previously lived for four years in Adelaide.


Spiritually, Adelaide was difficult for me. Hard to describe, and I can't really go into too much detail here, but there were a number of challenging things that happened, faith wise, and we found no real parish community.

Our fault? Probably. I am a great believer in the axiom that you get what you put in.

And it just didn't work for us and I let some of my practices slide...As a mother, I have noticed that as a mother's spiritual practices increase or decrease so follows the practices of the family. My influence is quite scary. So, as you can imagine, if my faith life was not what it was, so followed the faith life of the family.....


Moving to Sydney was something we did because of dh's work - dragging and screaming and complaining. Trying to make the best of things. We didn't want to be here. We didn't want to leave the oldest three sons.

But we have found that our faith, our spiritual practices, has been restored.

Attending our local parish, a community of Conventual Franciscans, has been the cause of our faith restoration. The weekly Mass and novena in honour of St Anthony of Padua. Lenten and Advent programmes. The prayers and work of the friars. Their example. All this has helped us out of our less-than-stellar spiritual spiral...

We are in a good place. And out of the dead end...


Similarly with homeschooling. I moved from radical unschooling, questioning myself on all my parenting mannerisms, comparing myself to some monolithic unschooling standard, to a bit here and a bit there - some days we do more formal learning, other days we do nothing formal.

The kids learn regardless. But I feel freedom, freedom to ask and require, being a mostly collaborative but sometimes directive mum, as well as still experiencing the freedom to discuss and to reach decisions consensually.

In a good place spiritually. In a good place in homeschooling. Are the two connected? For me, I think so. I am no longer trying to fit into a box ~ be it a Catholic box or a parenting/homeschooling philosophy box

As I conclude my reflections on Life in Sydney, I see that Being In A Good Place (for now) is great at Christmas. Happy Christmas to all! May you all find your good place..

P.S. The above is a pic of our new Christmas house decoration – a porcelain carousel. Got it almost at half price. :-)

A pang of envy

Warning - negative post. Posted in the interest of sharing with friends and keeping it real. Feel free to skip!

Now, it is not a nice thing to admit - that feeling of envy.

Yet, that is where I was at, yesterday.

Friends told me they were expecting another child. One said they had decided to try for another child ~ and, it happened~! Another said it was unexepected and she felt unhappy but knew she would come to grips with a new baby.

I rejoiced for these friends, I offered support for the one struggling to accept her pregnancy.

But I also felt a pang of envy.

I have longed for another child. It looks like it just ain't gonna be. I'm kinda old. :-(. [No, not kinda old ~ definitely old, says the little voice in my head. Sigh!]

I spent my thirties suffering health problems and resultant infertility. And depression. And weight gain.

Then, now in my forties, I have battled the health demons, lost weight, have had several pregnancies - all resulting in miscarriage. In DVTs ( I have a genetic blood clotting disorder). In hospitalization.

I am thankful for the seven healthy children I have. I love my sons, in spite of my failings as a mother! I am also thankful for the many other little souls that I miscarried. I know that God has different plans for different people.

And I am not a spoilsport. I am truly happy for my friends. I know my friend with the "unexpected" pregnancy will come to love this child.

But, yesterday, I still felt that little pang of envy.

Sometimes, I am not a very nice person. Blah.

And now I'm feeling bad about posting. But I think I should go ahead and hit publish anyway. Maybe someone can relate...

Fat and Female.

Do you have days ( weeks?) when you look in the mirror and despair at yourself - you look fat?

Well, I'm in that mode right now.

Well, yes, I am fat - but I have lost weight and I am working on health and fitness and thus on losing more weight. At getting to my current goal weight...

So, why aren't I congratulating myself on the weight loss to date, the slow but gradual weight loss over the last few years? And why aren't I congratulating myself on my ongoing commitment to health and fitness?

Women, in general, have issues regarding weight and self image.
This article explores some of these issues, the reasons behind some issues and offers support.
Body image and weight management problems become serious when this affects other aspects of life, such as not wanting to spend time with others when eating is involved, regularly skipping social, family, or work activities to work out, or cancelling social engagements based on weight. Your role in life as athlete, friend, and family member will not be affected by more or less pounds. It will be affected by happiness and self-confidence. Feel good about yourself, and understand that occasionally questioning how you look is normal.

So, hey, I'm normal - even if I am somewhat fat! And at least I am fit - I workout every day, at a fairly high intensity. I love my workouts! A mix of cardio, kickboxing and weights.

They make me feel strong and powerful. Especially if I avoid mirrors!

Why am I sharing my fat thoughts? Simple because I know I am not alone - even people who are not overweight have weight issues. Body image is something we need to work on, as women and as mothers. We want to pass a healthy image onto our children, an emphasis on health and fitness and fun and not on appearance.

It is part of our mothering - looking at ourselves and at the silent messages we give.

And this blog is part of my "therapy" ~ it helps to write out thoughts and feelings. It is almost cathartic.