Warning - negative post. Posted in the interest of sharing with friends and keeping it real. Feel free to skip! Now, it is not a nice thing to admit - that feeling of envy.
Yet, that is where I was at, yesterday.
Friends told me they were expecting another child. One said they had decided to try for another child ~ and, it happened~! Another said it was unexepected and she felt unhappy but knew she would come to grips with a new baby.
I rejoiced for these friends, I offered support for the one struggling to accept her pregnancy.
But I also felt a pang of envy.
I have longed for another child. It looks like it just ain't gonna be. I'm kinda old. :-(. [No, not kinda old ~ definitely old, says the little voice in my head. Sigh!]
I spent my thirties suffering health problems and resultant infertility. And depression. And weight gain.
Then, now in my forties, I have battled the health demons, lost weight, have had several pregnancies - all resulting in miscarriage. In DVTs ( I have a genetic blood clotting disorder). In hospitalization.
I am thankful for the seven healthy children I have. I love my sons, in spite of my failings as a mother! I am also thankful for the many other little souls that I miscarried. I know that God has different plans for different people.
And I am not a spoilsport. I am truly happy for my friends. I know my friend with the "unexpected" pregnancy will come to love this child.
But, yesterday, I still felt that little pang of envy.
Sometimes, I am not a very nice person. Blah.
And now I'm feeling bad about posting. But I think I should go ahead and hit publish anyway. Maybe someone can relate...
14 comments:
YOu are honest,loving and a wonderful friend (and mom)! Please don't feel bad for speaking your feelings.
I can relate. We all come at this life with our own history, and sometimes it is not pretty. But as friends we can and should offer each other understanding.
Blessings on you this day Leonie.
Thanks for understanding!
Dear Leonie,
What a courageous post. I am blessed by your honesty. I will pray for you.. for Graces to accept God's will be it the joy of Grandparenthood in the distant future or a miracle baby for you!
I spent so many years being overwhelmed by having five babies in a row, that asking for another baby was the furthest thing from my mind. Now that my youngest is almost four and I have lost three babies to miscarriage since her birth, I am finally at the point where my arms are just aching to hold a newborn. I find myself identifying with this post.
Leonie, God Bless you and your dear ones!
Hugs from here...:-)
Hi Leonie-
Hugs to you-- and it is so good that you are honest with your feelings. God gave us these feelings and hopefully when we have them (good and bad) it will cause us to (eventaully) turn back to him. He loves us more than we even love our little ones.
You have such a lovely family (you know that), and I know the feeling of not having little ones around anymore. Does it help that God has a plan in all this that we can't see that superceds our feelings?
Sometimes that helps me when I compare my life to others and wonder. On my good days I will just savor, savor, savor all I have and hug my (big) little boys and sing to them! :)
I also have found that sometimes I need to just be sad. Let myself feel this way. Not run from it. Then I can climb back out of the experience knowing more about myself and my life, and my purpose. IF that makes any sense.
with love,
Cindy
I don't see the "bad envy" though. You are rejoicing for them and accepting of God's will in your life. Maybe because I never had little ones [mine were 7 and 8 at adoption] I can't really feel it like you do. I cannot imagine the miscarriages. Still, I don't see your envy as bad--it's simply evidence of how deeply you feel, love and care.
Leonie -- I KNOW exactly what you're talking about ... I'm 46 and would so LOVE another ... but it's up to God (I just wish it were so). Of course, yesterday didn't help as we watched the MOST adorable 7 month old for the day .... my littles were so good and helpful and now we all want another baby ...
Hugs, prayers and LOTS of understanding from your friend in Colorado ...
Oh yeah...I feel that pang of envy. It doesn't mean i'm not happy and overjoyed for the friends...it just means that I wanted more...feel empty at times. Doesn't mean Im not happy with my four beautiful children...I feel that envy too. Not alone Leonie...not alone.
Wow. Great thoughts everyone - and so, I don't know, comforting in a way. Tto see others feel the same way.
I need to work on that envy, though!
And today we are off to archery - no time to dwell, which is good for me!
I would have used to have thought, wow, she has 7 children, what is she complaining about? But now I know it doesn't matter what you have, knowing what you could have had and what you won't hurts all the same. Its a another mystery about women I suppose!
Leonie....
How beautiful is your candor, dear friend!
I know how you feel, too. I long for a baby but I fear the pregnancy would kill me as all of my pregnancies were excrutiatingly difficult. I hope I will feel differently but those are my feelings right now and have been since the birth of my 4th - almost 7 years ago.
Maria - hugs and prayers from here, friend...
Linda - I agree - we are definitely a mystery! lol!
I think that you speak for lots of women. Is envy of a good thing bad? I don't really know!
Anyway, with baby number nine on the way at the "ripe" age of 42 and having a dear friend enjoying her pregnancy at the even 'riper' age of 45.....may I suggest that your time isn't over yet ;-) and then again there are always those grandchildren to come.....!! LOL
God Bless x Jacqui
Very encouraging! :-)
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