A Fitness Challenge

Fat and frumpy. Old and ugly.

You know those things we say to ourselves.

It's that self loathing. And for many women it began in their teen years.

For me, it began in my childhood. But that's a whole other story.

As Ajay Rochester says in her 5 Minute Diet Book, starting from a point of self disgust is not helpful.

Instead, we should begin a new fitness venture from a point of being positive... Affirmations if need be. Self control over negative thoughts. Choosing workouts that make us smile.

Lately I have been doing more walking and jogging workouts.Outside. Or inside... Leslie Sansone being some of these workouts.

Leslie is bubbly, chatty, positive. I can pray while walking or jogging, otherwise mindless workouts. ....Hail Mary... Contemplation instead of mindlessness...

And if I am walking, jogging, doing upper body strength training in my family room, I can ham it up. Act like a dork. Dance. Sing. Who is to see or care?

Leslie has an October walking and jogging challenge beginning on Monday. To overcome these I-hate-me feelings I am taking the challenge. Setting a plan for x number of kilometres.

And looking at my chaotic eating habits... Yes, my life means I tend to be chaotic in eating. As described in Intuitive Eating..." The Chaotic Unconscious Eater often lives an over scheduled life, too busy, too many things to do. The chaotic eating style is haphazard; whatever's available will be grabbed....nutrition and diet are often important to this person...just not at the critical point of the chaos. Chaotic eaters are so busy putting out fires ( in my case doing all that I need to do and working two jobs and homeschooling and trying to eat what's on hand to save money..) they have difficulty recognizing biological hunger until it's fiercely ravenous. Not surprisingly, the Chaotic Eater often goes long periods of time without eating."

Mmm. Me to a tee.

So my October fitness challenge is to hate myself a little bit less ( son Thomas always says to me, Mum you are worse than my friends, girls my age, about hating your looks and body! ...yep, that's me..), to walk and jog perhaps with Leslie, to structure eating and be more mindful.

I'll report back regularly!

And .....want to join me?

Fitness. Highs. Lows.

Fitness Highs and Lows

July Highs

1. Did copious weights workouts. Kelley Coffey-Myers 30 Minutes to Fitness Weights and Jari Love's Get Extremely Ripped, split onto the two thirty minute workouts. When work is busy and I am short of time...I need thirty minute workouts. But tough, effective ones. These two are great, especially for biceps and pecs and both are active so get your heart rate up for a cardio effect (think Body Pump classes).

2. Read some stuff on the whys of eating....parts of the Don't Go Hungry For Life book, parts of Losing It In France, parts of Intuitve Eating.

What is intuitive eating?

"It is free of obsession. It acknowledges that our compulsions are due to biochemical or emotional reasons and any over- or under-eating is a clue to begin looking further as an opportunity for learning."

3. I went to a dinner dance on Saturday night and I ate all three courses but only half of everything...it's okay, others at the table liked my leftovers! Half my pumpkin soup, half the fish and vegetables, half the caramel apple tart. And practiced some moderation with alcohol! Woo hoo!

July Lows

1. I put on some kilos. Yes, that little, horrible, sneaky weight trip. I realize that for me it's not enough to try to be intuitive, to be honest ....less intuition and more self discipline seem to be the ticket here. I mean, the feel good stuff is good is but I need plans and action. I'm just that kind of person. Hence my moderation at the dinner dance (see above) and my moderation all weekend. Go girl!

2. Not enough cardio. In line with the above, I realized that I need more cardio. Tough love. The last two days I have been doing those walking and jogging workouts, 45 minutes. I kind of like those endorphins and I need that cardio to lose that weight. Your mileage may vary but this works for me. And changing it up.

3. I hate my body. There, I said it. Not following a plan makes me feel fat, and makes me actually fat...those kilos I mentioned above. My skinny jeans fit but I look fat in them. My abs have gone to hell. See what happens when I don't watch what I eat...whereas two days of cardio and A Plan make me feel less fat... Sure I haven't lost weight yet, weight loss is slow for me, I know I am always in this for life and I am not after fast weight loss or a perfect body...but I feel more in control with that sensible eating plan. An "I've got this covered" feeling!

So there you have it. My July fitness post.

I've brushed myself off, thinking positively, dragged out some old mottoes, created some new.

"I've lost 40 kg in the last, a few kgs now won't be hard." No, that one doesn't work anymore. Makes.me feel like a failure.

" I take care of myself." Yes, that's a new one but a good one. A reminder when I want to turn to food.

" What I want most, WIWM." Yep, that still works. I really want to be healthier, look better in my clothes, not avoid the mirror when I'm wearing my skinny jeans or getting dressed.

" It's not an option INO." From Secrets of a Former Fat Girl. And, yes, it's not an option to drop the plan, I'm not like other people who can eat or not eat and not worry. I have a history of eating disorders so their eating and exercise habits are not an option for me.

And - " I don't do that any more." No, I don't. Or I tell myself I don't. Don't eat emotionally, for example. Don't expect perfection. Don't make it too hard or too easy on myself.

I don't.

Do you have any July fitness highs and lows?

Another Fitness Post

Weight: Two kilos gone. Two. In one week. Is there something wrong? Should I worry? Can I not self sabotage? Look out skinny jeans..here I come!

Food Epiphany: 1. Alcohol can fit into a calorie controlled diet. Just sayin'. In case you were worried.

2. There is an argument for counting calories carefully and not estimating all the time. And for not eating too little...duh, Leonie! Avoiding the eating too few calories trap has taken me awhile. See Calorie Queens .

General: Good quote..."After decades in this field, I can honestly say that most, if not all, of the disordered eaters I have known or worked with are excellent caretakers of others and poor caretakers of themselves." The Rules of Normal Eating.

Fitness: Battling a cough and cold and this is reflected in workouts.

Sat: The FIRM Cardio Workout with the accompanying weighted gloves. A kickboxing inspired workout with some nice plank work for abs at the end. Pulls a lot of punches (pun intended!) in twenty minutes.

Sun: Dance With Julianne. A sweaty dance workout, really works your abs and makes you feel like you are dancing in a music clip. Contemporary. Forty minutes. Intermediate level. Good workout, choreographed by Jen Galardi, a fave dance fitness instructor of mine. Julianne looks a bit like a Barbie doll and over uses the word sexy and with my headache I could not, would not, shake my head and hair as she did...but the cardio was fun and my body was worked.

Mon: Leslie Sansone Walk Away Your Waistline. Gosh, I chose this because Monday was not a good day for me and I needed a mindless workout. But I loved the ab belt. You really suck in your abs and the weighted handles provide some upper body toning when you do the arm movements while walking with Leslie and her "pals." 3 miles 45 minutes.

Tues: Too much coughing. Too busy. No workout. Grr. I hate giving in.

Wed: Today. The other twenty minute FIRM Ignite workout ( see last week). I've done this before, but it was harder today...that cough and cold! Major coughing fit after but it was too cool a workout to ignore. Cardio, then cardio bursts with intervals of weights, followed by cardio and an ab toning cool down/stretch. Burpees with weighted squats!

Okay,that's fitness today in a nut shell. For those of you who asked...you know who you are, my fellow fitness friends..

Fitness today

Fitness today

Workout: The FIRM Ignite Calorie Burn

Food epiphany: 1. Sometimes I can eat calorie controlled junk instead of dinner. Really. No guilt.

2 it's good to eat breakfast ( muesli and low fat yogurt) even if it's at 10,30 am.

3. From Nice Girls Finish Fat - one doesn't always have to be perfect, do everything well.

General: I lost over a kg this week. With cardio ( mostly Just Sweat), calorie awareness and mindfulness.

The FIRM Ignite workout is two workouts, each roughly twenty minutes. You can do one or both workouts and , to my mind, are the FIRM's answer to the very popular Jillian Michaels' twenty minute workouts. High intensity cardio bursts with strength training intervals.

I like these workouts. The two instructors, Emily and Rebekah, are encouraging. Since the strength training is not done at lightening speed, I can actually go a bit heavier than I can with Jillian. I used 3 kgs.

There are cardio bursts, each athletic and each eight seconds. Four in a row, with twelve second recovery moves in between, before the next strength training or cardio or standing abs.

Today I fell flat on my face, doing the big boy push ups and tricep kickbacks with weights, in Rebekah's Interval Blast The workout fairy must have had a good laugh!

And the morning glories, with bicep curl and overhead press...well let's just say a core and balance challenge for this mum of seven!

I'd rate the workouts high intermediate or low advanced. Not killer. But good. One could make it easier with low impact and lighter weights. Or harder with even more energy and heavier weights.

And twenty minutes on time challenged days is super...good calorie burn intervals equal the burn of slower, steady rate cardio.

And fun! The fun factor, you know, is pretty important to me.

So, another fitness post! Check in next week for an update....

A fitness post

Be strong.

Be fit.

Have fun.

Lose weight.

Billy Blanks' Taebo motto.

I haven't had a fitness post in awhile. But I'm still working out. And wanting to lose a few kgs

But how? As someone who lost almost 40kg over a five year period, I know the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs, of weight loss. Of weight maintenance .

I am chubby. I don't think I will ever be slim. There was a period just after my weight loss when I was sick and I lost even more weight.. And people at church said I looked fantastic. Maybe I did. I wasn't eating but I was working out hard.

But I can't continue that in my normal life. Well, not at the present. So I am at a normal weight for me now. Not a fantastic looking weight.

However, I would like to lose a few kgs. Not to be at that fantastic looking hard for me to maintain weight . But to be healthier. To not cringe quite so much, when I look at myself.

And to work on that emotional eating.

Because one day recently I not only felt strong emotions but I expressed them. And as soon as I did I knew I needed to eat. Eat something fattening. To help with feeling and expressing those strong emotions.

I wanted pasta but settled for fish and chips. Too much fish and chips.

Mmmm

I know I eat to deal with emotions but I do it anyway. ( At least it's a big step up from not knowing why I eat)

Nice Girls Finish Fat. A book I have owned for awhile but that I couldn't let myself get into. Because I like being nice. And what would happen if I wasn't?

I read a section and thought, well, maybe I can set limits and boundaries. For myself. And others.

For example, I can make The Plan for my continuing workouts and for getting eating on track. I can make food the last thing I turn to when dealing with emotions. I can enjoy the food and alcohol but choose lower calorie versions . I can savour and eat mindfully.

I can put a stop button on myself.

I can blog my weekly exercise and food because maybe others are here, too.

I can pray.

I can risk not always being nice.

I can take who I am as a strong person, a strong woman, and be strong where I am weak. With the strength of prayer . Because Mary, our Mother, was strong, too. And her prayers are strong.

So... Update for this week? I have loved, loved, loved more cardio workouts ... Especially Just Sweat, the workout part to the Wii Just Dance game. And Ellen Barrett's pilates based floorwork. And today a very cool kickboxing work.

And watching my calories. Yet still eating yummy stuff!

And doing that whole mindful thing... Why are you eating?

It's been fun! Especially the cardio workouts. I am a bit addicted to those.

So maybe I will blog on fitness again. Every now and then.

We are what we eat. And do. And think.

That's living without school.

BrImful of Asha

Do you know that song by Cornerstone?

Well it's a brimful of Asha on the 45 ...

And the song goes on to say....With singing and dancing and dancing and dancing.....

I am changing this to.... And eating and eating and eating .... Although last night I couldn't eat...and today I had caramel mudcake and caramello chocolate for breakfast.

A brimful of comfort eaters.

Yes, it is that how do you deal with emotions post again.

By eating. The song goes on.... Everyone needs a bosom to lean on...

Yeah we do. But hopefully it is not food .

Workouts as a bosom to lean on sounds better...for stress relief and for health and to push away that growing fat.

I have been enjoying my FIRM workouts... And praying at mass. Because prayer and penance provide more than a bosom to lean on...

But stop that eating and eating and eating and then not eating cycle. Okay?

Isn't this more fun than dieting?

A quote from the old classic FIRM workout Volume 1.

Such an 80s workout classic. Yet so effective. Cardio and weights. You can do the whole 70 minutes or break it up into parts. I'm addicted to the high impact cardio, the push ups on the dumb bells, the killer legwork, the chest work, the abs....I don't often do the whole workout but have been doing parts since Wed of last week, every day, after I heard of the untimely death of the workout's creator.

The FIRM used to promise visible results in ten workouts. And it is kind of true. I've done six days of the FIRM Volume 1 in a row and people have already asked me if I have lost weight.

It is more fun than dieting..I find I need tough-ish workouts to help me lose weight, to keep that waist line in shape...And I need to watch what I eat...That is the tricky part right now!

I am reading the book I mentioned a few posts back - Finally Thin.

At first, I didn't feel the book was helpful for me. She lost a lot of weight, as I did, but she looks thin and gorgeous while I look...fat and ugly.

The author raves about never having to worry do I look fat in this? But I worry about that most days.

And she doesn't do a lot of talk about emotional eating. Eating to cover up emotions.

But then, I gave myself a mental shake up. A mental slap. Come on, girl!

I realised that maybe I was just being way too negative and that this negativity was attributing to my inability to lose a few more kilograms.

Now, I am reading the book with a positive frame of mind. I might be old. I might be fat. But I am not as fat as I was. I might never be as thin as the author. I might never rejoice at what I see in photos.

But I can learn some more positive food habits .

Like - thinking, really thinking, before I eat. And allowing myself to feel...well, stuff.

And returning to my own, personalised sort of food plan..meals and calorie allowances that suit me. Not someone else.

Knowing there is never just one way.

And learning that it is okay to take care of myself, too.

Ouch!

Eating Emotionally

That is, eating to cover up emotions, to deal with emotions.

It is NOT eating with emotion and gusto.

In conversation with a friend today. We discussed many things. One of which was emotional eating.

Now, eating ice cream or chocolate when sad or angry almost seems acceptable amongst my circle of friends. I mean, we all do this at some time or other. We joke about it. We share Facebook comments about our comfort foods. We laugh at how emotional eating is portrayed in movies. Harmless. Fun. An occasional lapse.

For some of us, this emotional eating is not so harmless.

It is how we live.

I live like this.

I am getting better. As I confessed to my friend, at least now I recognise that I am comfort eating. As I stand at the kitchen counter, eating, I now know why.

Before, I just ate. And ate. When angry. Or sad.

Now, I probably still eat and eat but nowadays, as I wolf down another handful of Cheezels or Peanut M &Ms or...as I swallow, I realise what I am doing.

I realise and feel, really feel, the hole inside, something aching. I realise that I am eating to fill that hole. Even though eating doesn't really help . Or maybe it does..you eat until stuffed so now you feel sick and thus unable to feel that scary emotion.

Is this a step towards recovery from emotional eating? This is what my friend and I talked about. Is there some multi step programme for overcoming eating, working from within?

Step One - you just eat when sad.

Step Two, you still eat but you realise why you eat.

Step Three, you eat, you realise you are eating when sad or lonely or angry and you let yourself pause, for a minute, to feel that ache, that gap. Then return to eating, to stuffing oneself silly with food.

Step Four. I don't know. I am not there yet. Having only recently reached Step Three.

Maybe the next steps involve eating less. Or not comfort eating At All?

Or maybe that is too much to expect!

Hi, I am Leonie. I was, I am, I probably always will be a comfort eater.

Totally Britney.

Sustenance Bound Up With Anticipation and Want

Isn't that a great quote? Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. From the book I am reading, Julie and Julia.

The whole quote? ...Reading Mastering the Art of French Cooking - childishly simple and dauntingly complex, incantatory and comforting - I thought this was what prayer must feel like. Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. Reading MtAoFC was like reading pornographic Bible verses.

Prayer, for me, is sustaining, and, yes, there is that high, that rush, that peace. I just feel better, I feel different after praying, after talking to God, after listening to God, after meditation.

Sad to say, I also look for sustenance and that rush of pleasure from less healthy sources.

Like chocolate and too-much-food.

You may know what I'm talking about. The lure of the forbidden.

Happy, laughing, with others. Quiet and thoughtful in prayer, after Confession.

Then .... The door shuts. That window closes. Criticism. Disapproval. Smile fades.

And you eat too much chocolate. Get that rush. Again. Feel better temporarily. Enjoy that forbidden pseudo sustenance, with much anticipation, with want.

What is the answer? Is there even an answer? Maybe this is life, that process of learning to live, together, to love God, to accept the hard times with the good, my learning to die to self, to not use food as a panacea? Maybe it doesn't get any better than this, maybe it does.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

There is nothing love cannot bear, no limit to its faith, it's hope, it's endurance...1 Corinthians 13

And I can always diet tomorrow. Again and again. As long as I don't keep reading Julie and Julia ~ the descriptions of the recipes are too tempting!

There is blogging, too. Cathartic. Honest. Writing has always been important in my life. As a friend said yesterday, sharing your addictions, making oneself vulnerable, is an important step. She was talking about that cafe game on Facebook. But it applies to eating, to life. In its own way.

From my missal today

Gospel. Matthew 10. 34-42 Feast of St Wenceslaus

The summary goes...The following of Christ demands on occasion cruel separation from those we love, but those who decide to do so become one with Him.

An excerpt from the Gospel..38 And he that taketh not up his cross and followeth me is not worthy of Me.

Wow. This whole concept of following Christ, taking up one's cross, of separation, keeps haunting me.

It is a process, isn't it? Part of life..maybe now..maybe tomorrow.But it's there.

24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

Let him deny himself..

This is like taking a diet from the world. Denying yourself? Have you ever heard of that? We know about dieting, that is denying ourselves from certain foods that keep weight on, but denying ourselves? Do we know what that is all about?

This last week, I have returned to more serious dieting.

Denying myself some foods.

Not that this is a cross. But I have to admit that saying no to extra food, feeling a twinge of hunger, is good for me when it comes to developing self discipline.

Awhile ago, someone who cares for me shared their wish that I would lose more weight. More weight? Well, I lost about 38 kg over a four-five year period. Have kept that weight off for about a year or so . Have a healthy BMI but it is still a weight that is at the higher end of the healthy BMI.

This pic was from 38 kg ago....

After Easter, this year, I tried stepping up workouts and eating mostly healthy. I lost 1 kg over the last three months. My doctor was pleased -she said most people who lose weight regain it and I hadn't. But that person-who-cares and myself weren't happy.

Let him deny himself.

This pic is now...a healthy weight..but can I be thinner?

Let him deny himself.

Could I deny myself a little, lose another ten kg, make someone else happier with me? It is a form of denying oneself for another. Isn't it?

I bought some Weight Watchers magazines.And thought - s#*@ - if they can do it, so can I. For my even better health; for fitness; for another; to learn even more self control and self discipline; and, yes, vanity prevailing, to look better.

Walking, jogging, instead of Taebo. Counting WW points. I lost a kg this week. Only nine more to go!

Let him deny himself.

Sometimes, practicing self denial and self control in little things, helps us to develop virtues, for when we are really tested. Then, with God's grace, we can take up our cross and follow Him.

1810 Human virtues acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts are purified and elevated by divine grace. With God's help, they forge character and give facility in the practice of the good. The virtuous man is happy to practice them. ..from the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Don't Obsess

I was told something this weekend. Something I needed to hear. About accepting myself while still trying to be better. That maybe who I am is okay; I don't have to be like another; I can prayand work on my weaknesses, yes, but some of what I perceive as weaknesses are really just me.

Striving for perfection, with the grace of God. Remembering that there are different ways, different paths to perfection; that God made us all differently.

So, I sit here feeling somewhat hungry. Cutting back on food in order to lose some more weight. And I remember the spiritual advice of this weekend. Apply it to my weight loss and fitness endeavours.

As the author Lisa Delaney , of Former Fat Girl, says ~ It is not an option to obsess.
To obsess about food. To obsess about wishing I was the quiet, gentle type of woman.

It's not an option to obsess. About anything.

I know it is hard to believe when you're in it, but I know that with every attempt to lose the weight, get healthy, start exercising--success or non-success (i will not use the f-word!)--I learned something about myself. What made it harder, what made it easier, which foods I could live without, which fitness routines I absolutely couldn't stand. And all of that knowledge helped me, in the end, become an FFG. ( Former Fat Girl)

I have blogged a bit before about forgiveness, about our need to give ourselves a break when we don't meet our goals. If we truly believe this is a journey, a process, that should make it easier to look at our stumbles as lessons that will make us stronger and smarter when we wake up tomorrow. Know that I still struggle with this, too, in all aspects of my life. I struggle to get past every less-than-perfect moment in my life ... every lapse of memory ..., every slip of the tongue ...., every inadequacy...Every extra slice of pizza ... sneaky bite of chocolate ... fingerful of icing. It's almost a physical process to shut out the urge to dwell, overanalyze, relive these little moments. Sometimes, I visualize myself pushing closed the door to a huge vault, shutting myself off from those super-self-critical thoughts. It's another INO moment: It's Not an Option to obsess. Former Fat Girl

What is it ...

....about feeling bad that makes me want to eat junk? What do I think it is going to do?

Well, I mostly resisted. And I drank some cocktails, Sang some songs on Singstar. Played Wii Sport Resort. Texted .

Oh, and prayed.

Food can never just be about the bald story of the recipe: the meals we eat say something fundamental about who we are and how we want to live. Whenever an occasion matters to us, we mark this with food, from a birthday cake to a wedding breakfast. But Feast is not just about big-deal special occasions: it’s about the way we use food to celebrate life. Nigella Lawson

Make sickness itself a prayer, for there is none more powerful, save martyrdom!-- Saint Francis de Sales

Make sadness, grumpiness, crossness, worry, themselves, a prayer?

Prayer and Singstar. A great combo! With that chocolate and ice cream above - at least I served it nicely, I didn't stand at the fridge and spoon food into my mouth!