Living Without School: Sustenance Bound Up With Anticipation and Want

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Sustenance Bound Up With Anticipation and Want

Isn't that a great quote? Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. From the book I am reading, Julie and Julia.

The whole quote? ...Reading Mastering the Art of French Cooking - childishly simple and dauntingly complex, incantatory and comforting - I thought this was what prayer must feel like. Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. Reading MtAoFC was like reading pornographic Bible verses.

Prayer, for me, is sustaining, and, yes, there is that high, that rush, that peace. I just feel better, I feel different after praying, after talking to God, after listening to God, after meditation.

Sad to say, I also look for sustenance and that rush of pleasure from less healthy sources.

Like chocolate and too-much-food.

You may know what I'm talking about. The lure of the forbidden.

Happy, laughing, with others. Quiet and thoughtful in prayer, after Confession.

Then .... The door shuts. That window closes. Criticism. Disapproval. Smile fades.

And you eat too much chocolate. Get that rush. Again. Feel better temporarily. Enjoy that forbidden pseudo sustenance, with much anticipation, with want.

What is the answer? Is there even an answer? Maybe this is life, that process of learning to live, together, to love God, to accept the hard times with the good, my learning to die to self, to not use food as a panacea? Maybe it doesn't get any better than this, maybe it does.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

There is nothing love cannot bear, no limit to its faith, it's hope, it's endurance...1 Corinthians 13

And I can always diet tomorrow. Again and again. As long as I don't keep reading Julie and Julia ~ the descriptions of the recipes are too tempting!

There is blogging, too. Cathartic. Honest. Writing has always been important in my life. As a friend said yesterday, sharing your addictions, making oneself vulnerable, is an important step. She was talking about that cafe game on Facebook. But it applies to eating, to life. In its own way.

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Prayer of Consecration of St. Maximilian Kolbe

O Immaculata, Queen of Heaven and earth, refuge of sinners and our most loving Mother, God has willed to entrust the entire order of mercy to thee. I, N___, a repentant sinner, cast myself at thy feet humbly imploring thee to take me with all that I am and have, wholly to thyself as thy possession and property. Please make of me, of all my powers of soul and body, of my whole life, death and eternity, whatever most pleases thee. If it pleases thee, use all that I am and have without reserve, wholly to accomplish what was said of thee: "She will crush your head," and, "Thou alone have destroyed all heresies in the whole world."

Let me be a fit instrument in thine Immaculate and merciful hands for introducing and increasing the maximum in all the many strayed and indifferent souls, and thus help extend as far as possible the blessed Kingdom of the most Sacred Heart of Jesus. For wherever thou enters, one obtains the grace of conversion and growth in holiness, since it is through thy hands that all graces come to us from the most Sacred Heart of Jesus.

V. Allow me to praise thee O Sacred Virgin.
R. Give me strength against thy enemies.

Prayer of St Bonaventure

Pierce, O most Sweet Lord Jesus, my inmost soul with the most joyous and healthful wound of Thy love, with true, serene, and most holy apostolic charity, that my soul may ever languish and melt with love and longing for Thee, that it may yearn for Thee and faint for Thy courts, and long to be dissolved and to be with Thee.Grant that my soul may hunger after Thee, the bread of angels, the refreshment of holy souls, our daily and supersubstantial bread, having all sweetness and savor and every delight of taste; let my heart ever hunger after and feed upon Thee, upon whom the angels desire to look, and may my inmost soul be filled with the sweetness of Thy savor; may it ever thirst after Thee, the fountain of life, the fountain of wisdom and knowledge, the fountain of eternal light, the torrent of pleasure, the richness of the house of God.May it ever compass Thee, seek Thee, find Thee, run to Thee, attain Thee, meditate upon Thee, speak of Thee, and do all things to the praise and glory of Thy name, with humility and discretion, with love and delight, with ease and affection, and with perseverance unto the end.May Thou alone be ever my hope, my entire assurance, my riches, my delight, my pleasure, my joy, my rest and tranquility, my peace, my sweetness, my fragrance, my sweet savor, my food, my refreshment, my refuge, my help, my wisdom, my portion, my possession and my treasure, in whom may my mind and my heart be fixed and firmly rooted immovably henceforth and for ever. Amen.