Saturday, October 10, 2009

Sustenance Bound Up With Anticipation and Want

Isn't that a great quote? Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. From the book I am reading, Julie and Julia.

The whole quote? ...Reading Mastering the Art of French Cooking - childishly simple and dauntingly complex, incantatory and comforting - I thought this was what prayer must feel like. Sustenance bound up with anticipation and want. Reading MtAoFC was like reading pornographic Bible verses.

Prayer, for me, is sustaining, and, yes, there is that high, that rush, that peace. I just feel better, I feel different after praying, after talking to God, after listening to God, after meditation.

Sad to say, I also look for sustenance and that rush of pleasure from less healthy sources.

Like chocolate and too-much-food.

You may know what I'm talking about. The lure of the forbidden.

Happy, laughing, with others. Quiet and thoughtful in prayer, after Confession.

Then .... The door shuts. That window closes. Criticism. Disapproval. Smile fades.

And you eat too much chocolate. Get that rush. Again. Feel better temporarily. Enjoy that forbidden pseudo sustenance, with much anticipation, with want.

What is the answer? Is there even an answer? Maybe this is life, that process of learning to live, together, to love God, to accept the hard times with the good, my learning to die to self, to not use food as a panacea? Maybe it doesn't get any better than this, maybe it does.

Maybe it doesn't matter.

There is nothing love cannot bear, no limit to its faith, it's hope, it's endurance...1 Corinthians 13

And I can always diet tomorrow. Again and again. As long as I don't keep reading Julie and Julia ~ the descriptions of the recipes are too tempting!

There is blogging, too. Cathartic. Honest. Writing has always been important in my life. As a friend said yesterday, sharing your addictions, making oneself vulnerable, is an important step. She was talking about that cafe game on Facebook. But it applies to eating, to life. In its own way.

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